Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.